day one of a virgin blogger

my dad used to write in capital letters. so did one of my ex-husbands. which is why I am going write this blog in small letters, except when: referring to a person or a place, because I believe people and places should be given the respect they deserve, or when I want to give you the impression that I am shouting (which I don't do often but sometimes you just have to). this is my little way of acting out - of being rebellious - of doing the opposite of what I think I ought to be doing.

so why am I writing this blog? I have had a real problem with starting it... this is because I don't want people to think I am an egomaniac. on one hand I don't really care, but on the other I do. the one hand has won out, however, and I am writing this blog and may even tell people the address.

the real reason I have started it is because I don't want to go to a shrink or to sex and love addicts anonymous or bother my friends with details they may or may not know. this way, they can choose what they want to hear and disregard the rest, as Simon and Garfunkel say...  and I can ramble to my heart's content until I feel I've gotten it all out and I can move on.

I also know people don't have time these days and they like their blogs and other things short. so I will attempt at keeping it relatively short.

I left Europe after 22 years 2 and a half months ago because I had to. not because I wanted to. and now I am back in the town I grew up in. (at the suggestion of my ex-husband, I might add... not the one with the capital letters but the beautiful one with the handsome hands). the town I never finished high school in. the place i drank too much alcohol and took too many drugs in, starting at a very young age. thankfully I quit all that at a very young age, too, or else I probably wouldn't be here now. no. I am sure I wouldn't be here now.

magic has happened since I returned. shit has hit the fan but it's being cleaned up nicely, I might add. chanting is what keeps it all together. I am together. even though I feel like I am falling apart.

maybe that's what menopause does. but this is not a blog about menopause. other people do that better. amy ferris, for example.

so while my life is falling apart and I feel slightly like I am back to square one, I have collected a whopping amount of poker chips along the way so I don't feel as naked and raw as I otherwise might.

I am writing a screenplay and battling with challenging human beings. i am attempting to be good with money but failing miserably. i am giving everyone the benefit of the doubt while not losing myself, which I find extremely difficult. and I am still plugging away as an actress even though deep down I feel my time has come and gone and I am just chasing a pink ribbon in a gale.

but I chant, therefore I am. and now I am going shopping.