I think I'm missing something

in fact, I am sure I'm missing something. I keep getting these funny signs. like the alarm clock at the next door neighbor's house that won't stop peeping. or the unconditional love I feel from the people around me. or the more direct kind where someone tells me they love me and "why can't you see that I'm the best thing for you since a Picasso in your living room?"


but I don't know. I just don't KNOW and this is why I think I'm missing something. I wonder if my brain is getting in the way of the truth. why can't I just feel what I think I should feel and why do then those feelings get confused with the signals I'm getting? wake up, my next door neighbor is saying. wake up. but I've smelled the coffee, I'm even drinking it right now thanks so much, so what am I missing?


maybe because I am a rigid thinker, even though I sometimes look like I'm not thinking at all. maybe I think that it should be a certain way but it doesn't have to be that way at all and if I could just scootch over for a second, I might see that the way I thought of a thing wasn't how I should be thinking about a thing at all... this is definitely a ponderable topic, which I will do at some point in the near future.


but... it is undeniable that I can love a film that someone else hates. or dig a song that someone else can't hear. or like a person that no one else can abide. I don't understand how these things can happen, but they do. and they do a lot. 


so yeah, maybe I think too much. maybe I just think and think and think and get in my way a lot of the time. maybe I am too self-reflective and need to just BE for a while. maybe maybe maybe. maybe champagne will help. not bloody likely, as my friend Ian might say (the one who supposedly broke up my last relationship even though I never even met the guy in the flesh).


am I being too negative? should I just laugh and take it all in stride? why, and this is the big question, why do I doubt the good things that happen to me and accept with silent knowing all the negative ones (which, I have to admit, are difficult to count on one hand). maybe I lack appreciation. 


yes. 


that's it. I think I will cultivate my appreciation for all things today and see where that gets me. it might even get me one week's paid holiday in Tahiti!